Are you listening?
It was recently uncovered on Twitter that some people have an inner monologue, while others do not. The people who have one were shocked to find that others don't- and vice versa!
I realized when this discussion came out that I'm a monologue person. I frequently replay conversations in my head or create fictitious conversations I might someday have about what I'm thinking at that moment. I give myself feedback ("next time, remember your gloves before leaving the house!") and entertain myself with observational humour.. at least it seems humourous in my head.
But all this monologuing means many of us are guilty of thinking instead of listening while someone else is talking. Our brains jump ahead to the point we anticipate that the other person is about to make. Then we start planning what we'll say when we finally get our chance to talk! Or worse, we zone out completely, plan our grocery list, and then smile and try to look like we were listening the whole time.
This tendency can cause miscommunication. If you only listen with the purpose of planning your next sentence you may miss the point entirely.
I recently overheard a person explain to a pharmacist that they had experienced several health problems while on a certain medicine, then Googled the medicine and found out all of these issues were listed as potential side effects for that medication. The pharmacist appeared to be listening- she waited for the person to finish talking, she smiled and nodded. But then the pharmacist said "Patients often have a tendency to learn about a medicine's potential side effects and then they start to experience those side effects".
"No", said the person "You're not listening- that's the opposite of what I said!"
It can also cause a breakdown in your relationship with the other person. When we take the time to express themselves, share some deep thought or feeling, we want the listener to recognize the importance of what we have to say. Just because we've finished a sentence doesn't mean we've finished expressing ourselves. Being cut off mid-thought can make a person feel disconnected and disrespected.
Imagine this conversation:
Greg:"Phew! I had so much work on my plate today. My boss is making me take on more and more every day. I think he's out to get me!"
Bradley:"Yeah my day was a trainwreck!"
Bradley heard the first part, but then tuned out and started planning what to say next. How do you think Greg feels? Maybe he was hoping for advice, or even reassurance that things will get better (and that his boss is not actually out to get him!) but he got neither. If Bradley had taken the time to ask, "Why do you think he's out to get you?" or say "That's really tough", Greg is more likely to feel his friend cares.
When we fail to listen, we are telling the other person "What you have to say is less important than what I have to say".
1. Use empathy. Imagine yourself in the other person's position. How would you feel if you were facing the same situation? Respond in the way you would like someone else to respond to you. (The golden rule in action!)
2. Validate. You might not fully agree with the person that their boss is out to get them, but that doesn't make their feelings any less valid. Even a simple "That's a tough situation" validates their concern and shows you care.
3. Ask a question. You may want to ask for more detail or rephrase what they've said to make sure you've understood it. Asking a question helps the other party clarify their point and perspective and shows you are listening.
4. Eye Contact. Don't scroll through your phone. Look the person in the eye while they're speaking and you'll have trouble NOT listening. Even if you're very good at multi-tasking, avoiding eye contact sends the message that you aren't listening.
5. Shut down that internal monologue. You don't have to plan ahead so you can say the perfect supportive line or pithy comment. When I notice myself planning ahead in a conversation I sharply correct myself in my mind: "LISTEN!" It's often enough to jolt me back into listening mode.
Whether you're an "inner monologue person" or not, challenge yourself to be a fully focused listener. You'll find more clarity and increased trust.
What strategies do you use to be a better listener?
I realized when this discussion came out that I'm a monologue person. I frequently replay conversations in my head or create fictitious conversations I might someday have about what I'm thinking at that moment. I give myself feedback ("next time, remember your gloves before leaving the house!") and entertain myself with observational humour.. at least it seems humourous in my head.But all this monologuing means many of us are guilty of thinking instead of listening while someone else is talking. Our brains jump ahead to the point we anticipate that the other person is about to make. Then we start planning what we'll say when we finally get our chance to talk! Or worse, we zone out completely, plan our grocery list, and then smile and try to look like we were listening the whole time.
This tendency can cause miscommunication. If you only listen with the purpose of planning your next sentence you may miss the point entirely.
I recently overheard a person explain to a pharmacist that they had experienced several health problems while on a certain medicine, then Googled the medicine and found out all of these issues were listed as potential side effects for that medication. The pharmacist appeared to be listening- she waited for the person to finish talking, she smiled and nodded. But then the pharmacist said "Patients often have a tendency to learn about a medicine's potential side effects and then they start to experience those side effects".
"No", said the person "You're not listening- that's the opposite of what I said!"
It can also cause a breakdown in your relationship with the other person. When we take the time to express themselves, share some deep thought or feeling, we want the listener to recognize the importance of what we have to say. Just because we've finished a sentence doesn't mean we've finished expressing ourselves. Being cut off mid-thought can make a person feel disconnected and disrespected.
Imagine this conversation:
Bradley:"Yeah my day was a trainwreck!"
Bradley heard the first part, but then tuned out and started planning what to say next. How do you think Greg feels? Maybe he was hoping for advice, or even reassurance that things will get better (and that his boss is not actually out to get him!) but he got neither. If Bradley had taken the time to ask, "Why do you think he's out to get you?" or say "That's really tough", Greg is more likely to feel his friend cares.
When we fail to listen, we are telling the other person "What you have to say is less important than what I have to say".
Five Ways to be a Better Listener
1. Use empathy. Imagine yourself in the other person's position. How would you feel if you were facing the same situation? Respond in the way you would like someone else to respond to you. (The golden rule in action!)
2. Validate. You might not fully agree with the person that their boss is out to get them, but that doesn't make their feelings any less valid. Even a simple "That's a tough situation" validates their concern and shows you care.
3. Ask a question. You may want to ask for more detail or rephrase what they've said to make sure you've understood it. Asking a question helps the other party clarify their point and perspective and shows you are listening.
4. Eye Contact. Don't scroll through your phone. Look the person in the eye while they're speaking and you'll have trouble NOT listening. Even if you're very good at multi-tasking, avoiding eye contact sends the message that you aren't listening.
5. Shut down that internal monologue. You don't have to plan ahead so you can say the perfect supportive line or pithy comment. When I notice myself planning ahead in a conversation I sharply correct myself in my mind: "LISTEN!" It's often enough to jolt me back into listening mode.
Whether you're an "inner monologue person" or not, challenge yourself to be a fully focused listener. You'll find more clarity and increased trust.
What strategies do you use to be a better listener?
This is a great post. Even more important as we come to use devices more and more. I for one need to be more conscious and put them down ... when it's time to listen it's not time to multitask. It's time to focus.
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